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Wednesday, July 2, 2008

I'm not dying.

I'm not dying, it's all in my head.

On Saturday I noticed a bruised feeling on my inner thigh. (sorry if TMI) I wondered where it came from but since it wasn't bothering me much, I brushed it off as no big deal. By Sunday, after driving out of town for 2 1/2 hours and being on my feet all afternoon, it was bothering me more than I thought it should be. On Tuesday morning, the pain had spread to the side of my right hip. I went on an internet guided investigation to find out what this was, by feeling around, googling symptoms, checking out WebMD - that was a big mistake. By late Tuesday, I was pretty sure I had DVT - Deep Vein Thrombosis, or basically......a blood clot. Suggested action to be taken - Go to the ER immediately!

BUT, my sister had just had surgery the day before, my mom had driven 16 hours to visit all of us down South and I just really didn't want to make a big deal out of what could be nothing. This "blood clot" was giving me serious anxiety though. My chest was tightening, my breathing was labored and I wondered if every push and pull could be related to said DVT. I did the unthinkable, and drove my three children home with my suspected blood clot in tow. I prayed before I drove. I trusted that we would make it home safe. But I wondered if I'd be a headline in the news the next morning - "Mother of three crashes car on 5 freeway, perishes - kids seriously injured" Yes, this is how crazy I am folks.

We made it home safely late last night where I continued to be concerned. I ransacked the medicine cabinet for some aspirin, hoping to thin the blood so I could make it overnight before I needed to be seen by a doctor, but to no avail - we had none. All the long distance driving, sleepless nights during the previous 3 days and constant worrying about my blood clot (or tumor - I had reasoned that a few times before) had me exhausted. I can't even remember laying my head on the pillow last night. I do remember waking up and being thankful I hadn't died from a pulminary embolism.

I dragged my butt to the doctor's office this afternoon. She didn't laugh at me for thinking I had a blood clot or seriously cancerous tumor like I thought she would. She did however make me feel "normal" again, whatever that means. Turns out, she's pretty sure it's an infected lymph node. It is enlarged like I thought it was, so at least I know I haven't lost ALL of my marbles. And surprise surprise, I had no clue, but I have a UTI... which is apparently causing the problem with the lymph node.

Ahhh - I feel free. Free from fear, free from anxiety, free from those hypochondriactic feelings.

I'm not dying. It was all in my head.